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What follows is a short selection of ‘bite-sized’ verbal
snacks of an anecdotal, unusual and gardening kind extracted from
previous Blethers. In other words, my favourite bits.
The Tomato Blether
Apparently Bull’s Dung is an excellent medium for growing
tomatoes. Something to do with the testosterone content. It brings
on the ‘Toms’ a treat. Good grief, what a thought, but
undoubtedly an excellent conversation stopper should you ever need
one.
The Tree Blether
As I wandered gaily along (looking for all the world like a suspicious
character about to dig up a Christmas tree to lug back to the fireside)
I saw other shadowy figures in the half-light of that crisp afternoon.
We passed each other like ships in the night, heads down, silent,
possibly the odd Highland grunt of acknowledgement, possibly not,
but all seriously intent on anonymity. They were “at it”
in the woods, doing the same as me, Christmas time was looming,
the spades were out, the goose was getting fat. I even spotted a
tree in the distance bobbing along under its own steam with a most
peculiar loping gait. Surely, I reasoned, somewhere beneath that
foliage there must be a person with a spade, for how else could
it move like that – how else could it move at all!
The Hare Blether
My hare (and thank goodness there’s only one at the moment)
has eaten Brocolli, Cauliflower, Carrot Tops, Parsley (that was
a surprise), Fennel (even more of a surprise), Mints, Lupins, Geums,
Cerastiums, Pinks….. in fact the list is endless. But he hasn’t
touched the Fuchsias or the Hostas yet. Why not? Saving them for
June or July, I expect, by which time I shall be fenced off. An
expensive business - this fencing off business - a nuisance too,
but worth it in the long run, particularly if a laid-back hare without
a care multiplies over time into more of the same.
Now I must
check through the window and see what he’s up to.
The Surreal Blether
My stomach told me that it was time for food, so I traversed the
car park to one of the places that sold burger and chips –
a ‘Burger and Chips’ place - where I was pleasantly
informed by a man in a brightly coloured hat that today was ‘Special
Offer’ day – simply collect four cereal packet tokens,
recite The Lord’s Prayer backwards, stand on one leg with
a finger up your nose (all at the same time, mind) and qualify for
a free donut with accompanying toffee sauce (but only between the
hours of nine and ten in the morning - something called a ‘happy
hour’). Alternatively, present an empty packet of non-biological
washing powder (5.4kg size) and a receipt for a well known brand
of toilet roll (nine pack, quilted) at the counter to receive a
free ‘Demented Harry’ (a soft drink apparently). Surely
this was a wind up? A 5.4kg packet of washing powder is very large,
is it not? Not the sort of thing that you would normally buy for
the average family, and most definitely a reinforced trolley item,
not a basket one? Now I know that gardener’s are prone to
exaggeration - aren’t we all? (Cucumbers the size of cricket
bats, tomatoes as big as footballs, grapes like melons, that sort
of thing). But this was taking things a bit too far if you ask me.
Ridiculous in fact.
The Slug Blether
Got a slug problem? Haven’t we all. Hostas, Geums, Oriental
Poppies, Lupins, Nasturtiums, you name it, they eat it. Big black
ones, little grey ones, they do the same damage, nibble, nibble,
nibble, and the plant is destroyed. Better nip down to the Garden
Centre to buy a chemical to kill them with, slug pellets, something
like that, to further enrich the chemical arsenal that’s already
stashed in the garden shed. Just hope the teenagers of the house
don’t take up smoking in there, eh, in the garden shed? Chemical
concoctions, cigarettes, matches, could be a mighty explosion in
the offing.
Of course I
never use chemicals myself. Far too expensive. And do they always
work?
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