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If you have any jokes, anecdotes or lists then please let us know. |
| We've all heard of
companion planting........ The onions will make the eyes water and you won't need to water your potatoes all summer Sent in by Ann from Canada |
| Dear Garden-specialist, I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door. Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening. I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth. Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that? She replied,
"After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered
by the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in
my encyclopedia. It said that they did not perform well in bed but
when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well." Sent in by Rob from the Netherlands |
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| A
woman was mugged by a man holding a bunch of flowers. It was robbery with violets! |
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There was a knock on the door. Mr. Smith sighed and said to his wife: "I bet it;s that fellow from next door wanting to borrow something else. He's already borrowed half the things in our house!" "I know dear," replied Mrs. Smith. "Why do you have to give in to him every time? Why not make some excuse so he can't borrow whatever he's come to borrow?" "Good idea!" agreed Mr. Smith and he went and opened the door to his neighbour. "Good morning," said the neighbour "I'm sorry to trouble you but I wondered if you would be using your garden shears this afternoon?" "I'm afraid I will," responded Mr. Smith. "In fact my wife and I will be spending the whole afternoon gardening." "That's what I thought," said the neighbour. "Now I know you'll be too busy to use your golf clubs, so perhaps you won't mind if I borrow them?" Sent in by Peter from the UK |
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Q. What
is invisible & smells like worms? Sent in by Danielle from the USA |
Q.
If you see a pair of Pigeons in your garden how can you tell which
is the female and which is the male? |
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Andrew:
Mummy, Johnny's just smashed the greenhouse! |
Did you hear about the Judge who sentenced a Blacksmith for forging? |
| A
man sat quietly in his garden when suddenly, he is knocked almost
senseless by his wife, who stood behind him holding a spade in her
hand. "Why did you do that?" he stammered "Why have you got a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with "Rose" written on it?" she asked back. "Oh that's to remind me to buy a rose bush at the garden center" he replies Satisfied, his wife apologized for hitting him. A week later days later he is sitting quietly in his garden when suddenly, his wife knocks him almost senseless again. "What's that for this time?" he asks "Your shrub just called." |
A mother complained to her doctor about her son's strange eating habits. "All day long he lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to him?" Eventually" said the Doctor, "he will rise and shine!" |
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A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was
found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her
purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward." |
Andy had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Andy went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Andy slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" |
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The strong young man at the landscaping site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of
making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the
older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." |
The salesman was demonstrating an unbreakable rakes at the garden center. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the rake through all sorts of torture and stress. Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the rake completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' rake for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable rake looks like on the inside..." |
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Three garden contractors were touring the white house on the same
day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from
Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did
for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the
guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says $2700. The guard, incredulous looks at him says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri". |
A man stopped at a rural petrol station and, after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a coke. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand
this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading
down the road toward the men. "Well, we work for the county council, " one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't
understand, sir," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and
wiping his brow. |
| Teacher: "What can you tell me about nitrates?" Student: "Er....the're cheaper than day rates?" |
| On Main Street there were three florists next to each other. To increase sales the shop on the left put up a notice "Old Established - only goods of quality". On seeing this the shop on the right put up a notice "Newly Established - no old goods sold". The middle shop then put up a notice MAIN ENTRANCE". | Two Garden Catalogue Managers were talking. "How's business?" asked one. "Terrible," answered the other "even people who don't intend to pay have stopped ordering!" |
| A
keen gardener had reached the final round of a TV Quiz show answering
questions on Plants and Flowers. This final round consisted of only
two questions and if he answered correctly he would win the $1,000,000
first prize. To 'put him at his ease' the game show host told him "There are two questions only. You may choose to answer either one first. Remember, the second question is normally the easiest. Now which question do you wish to answer first?" The candidate swallowed hard and said "I would like to answer the second question first." The lights went dim, a spotlight lit the candidate and the host said "O.K. for one million dollars, the question is..... " there was a drum roll ".....and when does it flower?" |
| Girl's "botanical" names | Blossom Erica Flora Hazel Heather Hyacinth Iris Ivy Jasmine Lilac |
Lily Marigold Pansy Primrose Rosalie Rose Rosemary Veronica Viola Violet |
| A
horticultural student met his professor on the train. It was a long
journey so after a while the professor suggested a game to pass the
time. "We ask each other a botanical question and if the other cannot answer correctly he pays $5." The student replied "But, as you're a professor and I'm just a student then you pay $10 and I'll pay $5". The professor agreed and the student went first. "What bulb flowers twice a year, grows to 10 feet in height, has yellow and blue flowers and produces green spotted blue berries in November?" "I don't know!" exclaimed the professor giving the student his $10. "What bulb is it?" "I don't know either." Stated the student giving the professor $5. |
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If you have any jokes, anecdotes or lists then please let us know. |